In need of a place

Oh, yes .. I’ve written before. That’s right, I had almost forgotten. A mind like mine is so burdened when it doesn’t have an outlet. Somewhere it can amuse itself. Bewilder itself.

Introductions, topics, ideas. Smatterings. Lies.

Oh, no. Lies?

Well, I suppose. Maybe self deceptions.

Well! Well!! Let’s behave and say something consequential. Goodness. What a bore.

I need to get back into the practice of writing, so that I can create something consequential. I would like to illustrate some powerful truths, and assist people in correlating their own senses. I have bizarre, at least in modern context, gifts that border on supernatural. I don’t enjoy using them.

Let me offer a simple example as to why..

This morning I awoke, with an ordinary feeling. My body, perfectly healthy (well, relatively). But I couldn’t help but reach out and seek the days feelings. I was met by emptiness, shades of displeasure. I knew it would be a mediocre day. I ran it through a few times, but I knew there was nothing worthwhile coming.

Foresight like this, you may think is a gift. At least you’re prepared. Well, I couldn’t change the result, I had the basic markings of the day.

To be honest, it didn’t make it any more difficult to get up. If anything, concern over problems drives me more than anything exciting or pleasing anyways. I want to fight the problems, yet the pattern of the day unfolds, and the results fall as they may. I’m not saying I have no control over my life. I am saying, the time it takes for my decisions to directly impact my life is long enough that, for the most part my ability to appreciate the benefits of hard work are balanced out by my expectations. Likewise, the missteps and laziness that leads to moments of distress have already occurred, the framework for the day is laid. This is an important aspect of life that people struggle with, certainly I struggle with. My whole life has been spent addressing the undeniable balance in life.

We naturally want the easy things, the quick rewards. We seem to be so heavily shaped by our environment, think The Princess and the Pea, that when we achieve and are rewarded, the reward is canceled out by the effort. Meanwhile, the environment we are in is far more deterministic of our overall sentiment, than our individual choices. They certainly impact one another, but it seems that by placing ones self in more challenging circumstances, suffering, we can then cultivate and appreciate a healthy environment. You have it good, can you appreciate it, can you challenge yourself when things are easy? Things are hard, you don’t have the tools to change your environment, what can you control to create opportunity? Have you built your stress tolerance? Has your environment jaded you?

Knowing that the day will be a struggle, or a good day, doesn’t change this, it makes it feel like you can’t control the outcome, which… on a short enough time scale is true. Sorry to break it to you. I feel the lack of control more than most. I’ll be careening towards some unhappy moment in my day, unable to stop my own behavioral momentum, embarrassed before some failure of character even happens, feeling the math play out in auto-pilot. Abating those moments may or may not make things better, if only I could contain them thusly. But the thing is, that momentum is real. It’s written in your body. Your breathing, your blood pressure, your insulin, your diet, your vision, your mental clarity, your hygiene, your hormonal balance. It’s written in your environment, your clothes, your office, your desk, your texts, your searches. It’s a momentum that leads to those highs and lows, and you can impact them, but it is beyond the horizon of the decisions. They have to essentially be forgotten before they finally blossom in your life.

At least that will be how you feel.. Truthfully, if you decide to improve yourself, and find ways to cue it, to cue your negative behavior out, and cue your positive behavior in, you will see the net happen relatively quickly. It just probably feels like sacrifice. Because balance.

So I am going to start cuing my own behaviors: By blogging 🙂

Enjoy!